Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Alex Chiu's Immortality Device
Thanks to the awesomeness that is the wayback machine, I've been enjoying reading some vintage Alexchiu.com, circa May 2001.
Alex Chiu is the inventor of the magnetic rings, an "immortality device" that stops aging by "enhancing" your body's electrical current. He thinks his invention is going to change the entire world, and compares himself to Thomas Edison, Tesla, and Einstein. He also submits a serious challenge to anybody who doubts the awesomeness of his eternal life invention:
"Who can come up with a health device better than my immortality device? I owe that person 1 million dollars. Print out this page for proof."
Alex also provides a hefty list of testimonies from his valued customers, so you know this product has to work. My favorite one:
"Hey man, it is me the kid that kept calling you and emailin you some nasty shit. Hey, you were RIGHT about the magnets!! Guess what, PLEASE, I am beggin you to forgive my nosiness. Before, I weighed 178 pounds. I had a 21% body fat. Now, I have more muscle, a smaller gut, and I lost 16 pounds in like 1 or 2 weeks. I could not do a situp. Now I can. I could do one pull up. Now I could do 7. Before, I could run 1 miles tops. TODAY, my fourth time I worked out in the last six days. I RAN 3 MILES NON STOP!!!!!! I SWARE TO GOD. I SLEEP BETTER!!! IN SOCCER, I AM SO FAST NOW THAT I OVERUN THE BALL OFTEN!!!!! I SWARE, I THINK IT IS YOUR INVENTION. I CANT CALL YOU BECAUSE I AM FORBIDDEN, MY PARENTS HATE YOUR SITE. BUT I TELL YOU, I WENT FROM NOT BEING ABLE TO RUN 1 MILES TO BE ABLE TO RUN 3 MILES IN JUST A WEEK!!!!!!!! I KNOW YOU THINK IM TRYING TO BOTHER YOU BUT IM NOT!! I SWARE TO GOD HOPE TO DIE IM NOT. INFACT, CAN YOU EMAIL ME BACK ON HOW I CAN WRITE A TESTIMONIAL? IM SO SORRY MAN. THESE MAGNETS WORK, IF THEY DONT THAT MEANS IM SUPERMAN. "
He's gonna live forever!
Since Alex Chiu has made himself immortal with this new innovation, he has some very wise, enlightened opinions about they way people should live, politics, and science. These opinions are best demonstrated with ridiculous comics:
Thanks to immortality rings, humans will stay young and beautiful FOREVER. That means that overpopulation is a real risk. Thank goodness that people will simply grow to resent their deathless children and their horrible money grubbing ways. Annoying peers are the ultimate birth control! The last panel of this one is a priceless work of art.
In the realm of world politics, Alex envisions a post WW3 world where global powers consolidate into a giant mega corporation. Alex explains the rationale of corporatizing the global government quite succinctly; " The military leaders, the presidents, the powerful government leaders will all become extremely rich. This is the attractiveness of this corporation idea. Hey! You are not selling your country. You are just saving the world by making peace!"
And in the realm of science, Alex Chiu has gone so far as to define a "New Darwinism" for the 21st century. ("Full of animated GIFs and wonderful graphics. A must read for all scientists!"- Alex Chiu) He covers topics like the reason for different sexes, how animals think, and how chemicals form a cell. Not surprisingly, most of his theories are built around the principles of magnetism.
This one is from the lesson "Why can animals crawl, swim, or walk?"
He also discusses "What causes gravity?", "Black hole is not magic" and "How to build a UFO?"
Also "A good theory on how to build a teleportation machine. Not yet built or tested" and "A cure for AIDS or Herpes?"
I've sure used a lot of quotation marks in this post, huh?
PS- I noticed that the specific links I provided actually just take you right to the homepage. Apologies, I don't think the wayback machine can do it any other way.